This is going to be a little bit different. In the honored tradition of this blog, I will be ripping off the Jerx yet again and doing a pastiche of his Splooge series.
Unfortunately, unlike Andy, I am not a modern-day Lothario. I am no Casanova. I am not even a fully functioning adult, as the authors of this blog seem to incessantly hint at.
And yet, I have the ability to charm nearly anyone I meet. (In real life. Over text it’s a very different matter, as my tricks and tactics lose applicability.) Why is that?
That’s what I’ll be covering in the new series Chicken Soup for the Socially Inept.
Call it a hunch, but I have a feeling a lot of our readers could use some of the tips I’ll be sharing.
Narrative Ease
Which brings me to the point of this post. This is a habit I picked up about four years ago on a hunch, and it’s paid off with numerous sources and varieties of dividends since.
You might, if you’re reading this blog, be an eccentric person. That’s fine. Eccentric is basically what people call weird people who are financially secure enough that it’s fine that they’re weird. Eccentric is a positive term saved for just such people. And you’re one of them! Be proud.
Anyway, now that I’ve reassured your ego, let’s proceed to vivisect it a li’l.
People are constantly wondering what the fuck is going on in your head. Constantly. And you don’t do them any favors with your mysterious silence.
I didn’t, anyway. I’m just projecting onto you. So that’s why I started doing something I’m now quippily referring to as Narrative Ease. I just started narrating everything.
Not like some maniac, mind. Rather, like some eccentric little old man puttering down to the stores and talking about his to-do list for the day. “Oh goodness me, I do have to get to the post office before they close don’t I. And the grocery store will be out of the freshest eggplant by two o’clock. What to do, what to do…”
I simply talk to myself the maximum societally acceptable amount, and make it all about what’s going on in my head and what my plans are; both for the day and more generally speaking.
If I’m heading towards a destination? I look dramatically at it, point, then start walking.
I know this sounds insane, but people find it charming. In the case of women, any man who announces his intentions before making a move is going to be looked upon kindly by them, in my expansive although anecdotal experience. (Nested alliteration! Your move, editor-in-chief!)
Anyway, I have more to say about this. Including something to say about a question you might have.
Why The Fuck Would I Ever Do This, Jerry?
I know, I know. You’re thinking This goes against everything about my personality. People would find it fake for me to suddenly start talking all the time when I’m quiet and keep to myself. I’ve done that my whole life! No sir, Jerry, not this time! Not this tip! Not for me!
If you’re a quiet strange-looking person like I used to be, I promise you, you owe it to yourself to be a harmlessly loud strange-looking person. People will be less put off by you. Hell, it’s a cheat code to stop being seen as so introverted, which puts extroverted people off of interacting with you.
You know those sayings about not saying much if you don’t have much to say? Speak softly and carry a big stick? Those who are quietest are heard loudest?
Yeah, none of those apply to this. Sorry. If you want to rationalize your way out of taking this advice by thinking of those words of wisdom, you need to understand something.
They’re all talking about people who actually blather on about something important to them.
Anyone who hears you talking to yourself for more than five seconds will know you’re talking about the most trivial shit. And Teddy Roosevelt wasn’t talking about the actual volume of your voice when he told you to “speak softly,” you fucking moron, so you’re good.
Everyone will find you less creepy. Especially when you’ve already got the magician thing working against you, isn’t that a good thing?
Plus, it’s a great way to have people feel more able to approach you at a bar or something. You have natural conversation openings without even talking to anyone else.
Further Examples
Let’s say you’re pulling out your phone (or notebook and pen, hypothetically) to note something down. You could say “Hang on, just gotta write something down.” That’s pretty normal behavior actually, it barely even qualifies as an example. You’re kind of supposed to do that in society.
When I’m eating something that I enjoy in public I’ll often comment on the taste and what specifically I’m enjoying. Besides making me look like some undercover food critic, I think this makes me endearing. Though I could be delusional.
If I sit down in a comfortable chair, I might make note of how comfortable it is.
In Conclusion
Okay, sorry for just insulting you to your face. That’s not directed at everyone for the record, just easily 15% if not more of our readership. Everything I said applies to me more than any of you, I’m sure.
The Magic Oval will return soon with more magic.